Time OUT!

Written by Thomas Williams, Edited by Sarah Williams

Ok you know what? I need to stop right now and vent.

Cancer sucks! The side effects I’ve gone through are minimum compared to the millions of people out there, which are in a worse place than I am, so you would think I could take solace and strength in that. However I find it hard to pray for relief when I know I have it easier than someone else.

I cannot seem to get rid of the machismo in me no matter what, go figure. I suppose I attribute that to my father, who died from complications of diabetes. No matter what he went through, he always held on to the hope that something was going to make it better. He went through countless surgeries while I was growing up. He lost his left leg to the disease, yet he kept on keeping on. He learned what it is like to have something you cannot control yet he kept on moving forward as best as he could. He knew how to balance it, he accepted his disability (which was a journey that for him, took years). And the time I had with him during his brief life helped develop who I am today. He offered me wisdom and direction, which I often didn’t heed. But it is because of him, I guess, that has prompted me to review my character and integrity.

I am having a very hard time accepting what is going on with me. But the last conversation I had with him was about him going into surgery again. Yet this time it seemed strangely different in a positive context. (Just a note; in the 80’s stents, and lasers were experimental). He was very upbeat and positive the last day we visited with him (as he had been transferred to Tucson). He died 9 days later, on Wednesday, November 11^th. Ironically, he was a navy man to the end until the disease forced him to take and early medical discharge.

I am talking about this for the first time and it’s not an easy subject to breach. I’m not sure if the feelings I’m going through are because of my need to prove to my father that I did listen or is it simply that I need to just man up and be strong. That seems to be a lot easier said than done. It’s not that I don’t have the support; it’s a mental wall I need to break down. I look forward to reader input, and also constructive criticism, because that’s how we grow. So where is all this going? Well, I feel as though I’ve just been humbled by the universe. And how can I be bitter about that? It is a good lesson for a self proclaimed tough guy to go through, and yea, I’m a Leo/cancer so I get the best and worst of both worlds emotionally, as well as spiritually.

12/01/2009

Today was the day that I had my appointment with my oncologist. The information he gave me was bittersweet. During our conversation, he told me a “friend” needs to be left behind on the next step of my treatment. This “friend” (I use the term loosely and only for reference purposes) has always been there, made me laugh, cry, hell, makes me happy and sometimes sad. My belief was/is that I can always count on that friend to be there, every single day, and now at the most crucial step in my treatment I have to walk alone, without it. Truly, I do have an awesome support system but I never thought that there wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle without a few (or more) beers to take the edge off.

I suppose my emotions are a bit confused right now. My first emotion was: who are you to make me give up my friend, dammit? Then he relayed the words no one who loves beer as much as I do, wants to hear,” If you don’t quit the alcohol use, the transplant team will not go through with the procedure”. When did I step into the drama, “As the World Turns? So, what he was saying is kick my “friend” to the curb, the one thing that has always been my crutch, or face death. That was it in a fucking nutshell. Great! Just fucking great, that “friend” has helped me deal with a lot of baggage, so that I might feel lighter. I suppose upon reflection, it really didn’t help me be better, it just delayed my having to deal with reality. And yet, the choice is obvious, the path is not so obvious. My cancer doctor is quite aggressive with my treatment and recovery. I have an appointment tomorrow, to help me drop that “friend’ off at a bus stop and drive away….

Life is funny, I’m spending some time with my “friend” at the moment, just looking back at the memories we shared. Hmmm, how do I put this? My friend is and has been consuming me for a long time. It has distorted my focus where it needed to be. With my friend it’s all or nothing baby. It keeps on saying pay attention to me nothing else matters just spend time with me and I’ll make it all is ok. When in fucking reality I’ve lost more good times with my family because my “friend” is possessive just holds on and is always there, so I’m always thinking about when can we have our time. All the while, I’m not even taking into consideration what anyone else thinks or does. Just because things looks good on the outside does not mean it’s all that good on the inside.

Here it is for the world to see, I’m not ashamed to be an alcoholic, I’m just pissed it took cancer to make me wake up and see what I really have and appreciate, it. At the moment it’s kind of a whiteout, (snow storm for the desert dwellers). I don’t know where to go, so I’ll let God and my family help me through this, something I should have done years ago…….